I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
