thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
