fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
