I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
