your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
