I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
