3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
