I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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