The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
