My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
