I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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