I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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