found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i've created a new STD.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
