Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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