Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
