Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
