I'm jealous of your bromance
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
