Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
