I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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