how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
