I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
