Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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