come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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