My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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