I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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