Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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