kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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