please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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