just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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