I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
