someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
