the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
