4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
