youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Less talking, more tequila
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
