felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
