we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
