thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
