I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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