I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
