I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
