Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
