I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
