you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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