i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
