did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
