I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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