maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Randomize
