all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
