What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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