I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
