70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
