I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
